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[Jul. 16th, 2009|04:39 pm] |
on another note, this reading i got roped into is AWFUL
i consider myself a pretty smart actor, and i just don't know if there's ANY choice i can make that can make my song NOT awkward and redundant.
the monologue is fine. cliche and poorly written, but i've done more with less.
the SONG, however, SUCKS. it's TERRIBLE. there's nothing to be done with it. it's irrelevant, it doesn't further the plot or tell you more about the character, the lyrics are awful, there is awkward empty space, the style it's written in is counter intuitive to what's going on. it's just terrible.
i'm so embarrassed already. |
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[Jul. 16th, 2009|12:33 pm] |
Shit. I love Adrian.
That's it. Nothing else matters.
I'm stupid crazy retarded in love with him. I can't think of anything else. I can't sleep. Rob who?
(I know, right??)
I talked to our mutual friend, Ben last night. I figured I needed a guy's perspective. A guy who knows him.
M: So I think I love Adrian. wups.
B: And that's a bad thing becauuuse...
M: Because he doesn't know I'm alive.
B: I wouldn't be so sure about that...
M: Reeeeeally....
He thinks I should tell him. So I'm going to. I don't know what I'm going to say. Maybe I should just attack him with my mouth.
But what if he's been out with this new girl since then? What if I'm too late? I have to act soon. I'm so busy. I have to make time. I have to be totally honest and vulnerable and NOT try to protect myself by not telling the whole truth or being cryptic or diplomatic. I have to stop freaking out and just do this. |
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[Jul. 15th, 2009|09:07 pm] |
Cockblocked AGAIN.
I'm considering seeing Harry Potter by myself tonight...
I suddenly feel so lonely. Harsh. |
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[Jul. 14th, 2009|04:34 pm] |
Epic FAIL.
I started the evening going to the movie Bruno with Kati's cousins. The movie was terrible, and her cousins were awkward. They were also high so maybe they weren't quite themselves, but they were also PRETTY AWKWARD. Before he movie even started, we went to a bar and I spilled my vodka gimlet on my chair, which soaked the back of my skirt. I asked the bartender if he could top me off since it just happened, and I showed him the evidence by wringing out my skirt on the floor. Fail.
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= |
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Next, Adrian was texting me at 12:30am, telling me to come to this party in Long Beach immediately. And that he was drunk and couldn't be held accountable for his actions. Nice. I told him not to get too crazy til I get there. So I'm texting him all the way there. And even when i get there, he's texting me as I'm parking... But then never responds after that... The girl who's house it was calls me... Turns out Adrian is locked in a room with her ROOMMATE! She was trying to set them up!
So I talked to the girl I knew for a bit, but sure enough ended up talking to some awkward boring people, that even I couldn't make conversation with. Or maybe it was that I just didn't want to. Regardless, I was annoyed to say the least. So I start texting the Bartender, cuz he lives pretty close...
I didn't even expect him to be awake. Buuuut he waaasss...
Well, THAT was a big fail, b/c once I left to go meet him, HIS drunk ass forgot how to use his phone and I was lost for about 15 minutes. Finally I found him. I recognized him immediately because he was stumbling out of his car and texting (me). He eventually passed out and I ended up sleeping on his couch, watching a movie with his roommate.
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x 2 |
I knew I had to move my car in the morning, so I woke up at 830, just to take off, since we had legit plans later in the day. So I get to my car... $46 parking ticket... turns out I wasn't early enough.
EPIC. FAIL.
To make matters worse, Rob hasn't talked to me since our minor altercation. This usually means he needs his space, which I'll give him, fine. But it makes me even more irritated at him, slash more PMSy in my life because I hate being mad at him. FML.
update: The "legit plans" with the bartender were to go to the OC Fair. That fails, too, he forgot he made plans with his family. We're just gonna hang out after... we'll see if this actually happens... |
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[Jul. 13th, 2009|08:40 pm] |
I know I pledged to be more open and vulnerable.
It backfired. I'm just an emotional mess. After BAND rehearsal I found myself nearly CRYING on the way home. Nearly CRYING. I don't know why. I was just really emotional. I heard a song on the radio and almost lost it. I was still holding back, because, why would I just break out in to tears, that's silly. But the fact that I allowed myself to let these feelings even bubble at the top is a step in the... right direction?
I've also been moody. Kinda pissed off actually. I think I'm still upset about being treated like a battered woman. Etc.
I'm pissed that I somehow got roped into doing a reading of this poorly written, cliché musical, that I had to print out the script for MYSELF! I had to buy a new printer cartridge. I don't have the money for that for my OWN use, much less someone ELSE'S project, that I somehow woke up and was a part of. THEN I had to pay for PARKING! I mean, wtf.
I'm also frustrated and confused about whether or not I should move forward with my feelings for Adrian. We should just make out a little and see how it feels.
I still need to practice letting people in. Letting MEN in, specifically. I can let a girl friend in. But letting one of my guy friends see my vulnerability is really hard.
And this is all bizarre because my period is NOT due any time soon. |
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[Jul. 12th, 2009|12:41 am] |
RobUpdate:
Today I was truly irritated with Rob for the first time.
This is great.
He was being a jerk to me! He had his panties in a twist and was being sassy to ME about it, when his aggression is REALLY stemming from another source. I called him out about it, and he apologized and stopped, but man, it's STILL irritating me and I have this urge to smack him around.
Maybe if I can keep letting things like that get to me I can make some SERIOUS progress here! This is FANTASTIC news!
*******
AdrianUpdate:
Adrian is in Germany for a funeral til tomorrow. He sent me a text today, "I'm at a rave in a castle."
I replied, "Strange funeral."
Too soon? maybe. Funny? Yes.
Ugh, HellOoOooo, Adrian??? We are like peas and carrots. Figure it out.
*******
NamelessConquestsUpdate:
I recently remembered that my Bartender man is a JEW!! Ugh, he just got SO much cuter!
We've been trying to get together all week. It's hard cuz he never knows when he's getting out of work (cuz he's a bartender), and it's usually LATE, like when I'm already asleep. And of course there's been some unavoidable drama. Which happens. I guess. So lame. Man, all this build up... He'd better be good in bed.
Aaaand the Texter is back with a vengeance. This one is difficult, b/c our live styles REALLY don't seem to be anywhere near each other, and he knew be when I was a VERY different person... he knew me when i was young, and naive, and a virgin... and CATHOLIC. He's a cop (weird), he'll have a beer but he doesn't really drink (NOT conducive to my lifestyle...), and he likes to smoke the hooka (NOT a fan... duh, vocalist?) He's 30. When I'm 30, i want my life to be moving forward, and his seems to be settling down. ...Buuuut, the attention is niiiice, so for noooow, meh.
***********
BandUpdate:
Michelle: "I hope my boyfriends don't ALL show up at the show at the same time..."
Drummer: "yeh, shit, I've had that happen where two ex girlfriends show up..."
Michelle: "...um... Did you HEAR me say 'ex'...?"
Oh snap.
(Also, we have a show July 23rd in Huntington Beach. Very excited!) |
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[Jul. 9th, 2009|04:56 pm] |
It's recently occurred to me that I'm having an emotional, mental, and intellectual, but sexless relationship with both Rob AND Adrian.
And although I'm still going through a dry spell, for all intents and purposes, a purely sexual relationship with... well, their names don't even really matter. While I'm not physically having sex with them (yet...ha), they fulfill my need to feel sexy and desirable. They see me. They want me. And that's nice.
Adrian and Rob, they GET me. That's nice, too.
But it gets confusing. There's no reason I shouldn't have both. And the emotional/mental/intellectual part is the hard part to find. And you and me baby ain't nothin but mammals, that's SUPPOSED to be the easy part. So then, why shouldn't the two coexist in my world??
And it's not like I'm dwelling on these things. I'm busy. I have a lot of things to focus on. Please do not think this is a request for pity, it's not like that.
But every once in a while it just hits me, and I think, "Damn, boy, wtf". |
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[Jul. 1st, 2009|12:24 pm] |
Hedwig had a great run. I miss it. I'm going to miss Darius being around me all the time. But, Boy, is my body happy, that was SO intense.
The cabaret went really well! I'm getting a copy of the taping, so I'll try to post it when I get it. I forgot that my family hadn't heard me sing since HIGH SCHOOL. It was nice that they could see and hear where I've come.
I don't know what my next acting endeavor will be, but now I can focus on band stuff. We have our first show booked for July 23rd in Huntington Beach! Very exciting.
It's nice to have Rob home. It recently occurred to me that I never told him HOW MUCH he hurt me, or HOW MUCH I felt/feel for him. He knew I still had feelings for him. But he didn't know how intense they were...are. He doesn't know how he affected me, how destroyed and messed up I was... am. At this point, I don't know what to do about that. I'm finally at a place where I can move forward. I know that while he seems perfect for me in general, at this point in his life, he couldn't be there for me, he couldn't be good to me. So part of me thinks, what's the point in making things awkward. And part of me really wishes he knew what I'm going through.
I need a distraction. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 24th, 2009|09:40 pm] |
I survived. And I feel fine actually. Wow. I'm moving forward.
Amazing day at the beach with Kelley and Kelsi.
Last weekend of Hedwig. Bittersweet. My body is gonna be so happy, but I'm gonna miss it.
Band drama. But we have 2 gigs lined up.
Cabaret Sunday for the Stonewall anniversary. I'm singing "Here's Where I Stand". Get it.
I'm gonna collaborate with Rob, and also with Adrian. I'm excited to make music. |
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[Jun. 20th, 2009|01:06 am] |
Bad Sex Rob updated his fb today. News feed told me. Naturally I wanted to see what he's looking like these days.
Damn, that boy is SO cute.
To bad he's... bad at sex.
And Republican. |
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[Jun. 18th, 2009|12:46 pm] |
And now he's leaving. The end.
I guess he'll be back soon enough. But anything could happen between now and then. It is summer, after all.
"Why do you always pick the guys that go away, or that are generally unavailable?" I wish i knew. |
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[Jun. 17th, 2009|05:13 pm] |
p.s. FACEBOOK, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM! YOU HAVEN'T WORKED IN 24 HOURS!!
And how am I still getting invites and stuff from other people, when I can't seem to log on to the server??
wtf. |
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[Jun. 17th, 2009|05:13 pm] |
I am frustrated. and Restless. and Tired.
And have to go to rehearsal, but I would really just like to veg out here. Gah. |
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| Just b/c it's my journal... please excuse the fat kid mentality talk |
[Jun. 16th, 2009|06:10 pm] |
So now all my bathing suits have arrived from VS.com. They are SO CUTE. They make my rack look AMAZING, while STILL holding me in there.
This suit. In black,
and THESE fun prints:
(but with the solid print, string bottom)
Sooooo cuuuuute!
And I was SO excited to be bikini ready! Guess what, NOT ready. Big surprise.
But I AM close to feeling comfortable. Not my goal, but that's ok, it will be great to at least be comfortable enough to wear them in front of people. ALMOST THERE. I've been doing a new circuit work out that seems to be giving me visible results faster. Maybe 3 more weeks, if I really focus.
Push it girl, it's push time. You can do this. Get.It.Done! |
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[Jun. 15th, 2009|11:07 am] |
I can't wipe the goofy smile off my face.
I'm still floating. |
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[Jun. 15th, 2009|03:00 am] |
Making out is so fun...
wow, i'm walking on clouds right now, i forgot how sweet, and exciting, and... and how GREAT that feels :D!!!
God he's cute. |
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[Jun. 13th, 2009|11:03 pm] |
My maternal instincts get me in so much trouble sometimes.
I try to be kind and warm to people who the rest of the world may turn away. I just feel so blessed to have been socialized properly, I really feel for those who have not. How can they love themselves when all they've known are people who despise them for who they are, or rather, who they didn't even take the time to know?
At the same time, a lifetime of this abuse yields cases that I'm not fit to deal with, nor should I feel responsible to manage. I'm not a therapist. I'm not a nurse. All I wanted was to extend a kind word to someone who seemed like they needed one. Let them know someone sees them, and that they're not alone in the universe.
And then, the inevitable: they latch on to me. And it breaks my heart, because it was I who opened the door to their affection--but I'm just not capable of handling all the issues that a lifetime of social outcasting has left them with. Sure enough they mistake my friendship for more, and convince themselves that they have romantic feelings for me, and then what... I'm just another demon of society, rejecting them. I PRAY that they keep it to themselves, but for some reason, they always get right to business and make their move.
And I KNOW not my responsibility to take care of these untouchables. Unfortunately, these people were SOCIETY'S responsibilities, and Society ABANDONED them, alienating them, leaving shells of people who find themselves living in the depths of their own sadness--and in extreme cases, creating legitimate monsters: rapists, mass murderers, serial killers. Or just creating very sad, very lost, very small feeling people. Maybe if someone just gave them a hint... pointed them in the right direction, ya know?
It just kills me to think that people live in such a state of self loathing... to live in such darkness...
And the whole pity party thing gets old, i know, I have NO patience for it... but these people were never taught how to find the light in the world. No one ever told them. No one ever showed them how to see the good in the world, how to build themselves up... how to pull themselves up from the gutter that the world has pushed them into and how to rise above it. After a while, how do you even WANT to life your head up when all the world has ever done is push you down?
I don't mean this to sound self righteous, or for it to sound like I think I'm such a greaaat person or anything, that's not what this is about...
Man, it just makes me so sad. Really, I just couldn't live with myself if I turned the other cheek like the rest of them.
But on the other hand, How do I walk that fine line without getting myself in over my head?
Thank [god] my parents brought me up with social skills, and self confidence. I love you, Mom and Dad. |
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[Jun. 13th, 2009|02:48 pm] |
Also,
This is genius.
The whole video is pretty good, but 8:17 on is PURE. GENIUS.
My friend posted this on my facebook re: my status:
"Michelle Hernandez is still sick and can't pronounce her N's. But she can still belt it out... As long as it doesn't have an N in it..."
Genius. |
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[Jun. 13th, 2009|02:39 pm] |
Michelle Hernandez hates when people update their statuses about going to the gym or working out.
It means, A.) You have fat kid mentality, or B.) You're too goddamn full of yourself.
No one needs to know you're going to the gym. I'm guilty myself, I've done it. And I've seen the error of my ways. No one needs to know that, they'll see the after pictures, IF I should make the efforts to EARN the after pictures... but no one needs to know the play by play on a daily basis. Hopefully I AM going to the gym consistently, and if I AM, then I don't need to update my status EVERY day... do I need to update my status when I'm eating breakfast, then lunch, the dinner, or brushing my teeth, or driving to work, or taking a breath, or exhaling said breath? Or using the facilities? (unless it's a colonic, cuz that's just cool and people can know about it whether they like it or not...)
Seriously though. It's something that's always made me a little uncomfortable, even when I've done it myself, and I was never quite sure why. And THIS is why, b/c even though going to the gym feels good, and it's GREAT that you're feeling good, at the core, it's probably a way to passive aggressively ease your insecurity. Guilty, totes. I'm making a conscious effort to abstain from gym status updates. Unless it's something funny that I've observed at the gym. Cuz that's ALWAYS yes. |
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[Jun. 13th, 2009|01:13 am] |
The guitar boy playing for us this weekend is so cute... and straight... and my age!
get. it.
God, I'm like a 13 year old boy, this is getting ridiculous. |
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star2be5678's journal
